Karl Pilkington once said he would rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.
Everyone laughed at him. I did not. I have been quietly agreeing with that man for years.
Because I am a person who lives on views. Give me the ordinary room with the extraordinary window every single time. I do not need to be inside the beautiful thing. I need to be able to look at it.
This is not a preference. It is how my head is built.
I memorise by picture. In school and university I never learned a page by reading it over and over. I photographed it in my mind. I can close my eyes and tell you where the answer sat on the page, which side, how far down, what colour the heading was. The information came second. The image came first, and the information arrived attached to it like a passenger.
When I draw, it is stranger than that. I see the finished image projected onto the blank paper. Not imagined. Projected. Sitting there, waiting. And I trace it. My hand is not creating anything. It is copying something already on the page that only I can see.
And I build scenes. Constantly. The way Ally McBeal did, or JD in Scrubs. Full sequences with lighting and music and camera angles. I can run a hello and its matching goodbye in the same ten seconds. The reunion at the airport. The last look at the door. The slow-motion cliché from the action film. The one from the romance where the music swells and the crowd blurs.
My head is a cinema that never closes.
But there are forbidden things. Rules I do not break.
Get your head out of the gutter. Not that.
I do not create people.
Not in real life. In fiction, of course I would. If I ever write that story I keep threatening to write, it will be full of them. Invented people doing invented things in an invented place. That is what fiction is for.
But in my own head, about my own life, I do not build people who do not exist.
I have never done it. Not once. I build rooms, streets, weather, cities, entire journeys. But I do not build a person who is supposed to be real, and I do not give anyone a name.
Naming is the part I refuse hardest. It feels like naming the Eid sheep. You know how that goes. A child names it, feeds it, sits with it, and then the day comes and the family has to explain something to a crying seven-year-old that no family has ever explained well.
A name makes something yours. And anything that is yours can be taken.
So I do not name what I have not been given.
Until recently, when I committed half a sin.
She visited.
I did not invite her. She just appeared, the way images do in a head like mine, and I did the thing I had never done before.
I did not kick her out.
I let her stay. I let her play. I let her settle into my eyes and my ears and stain them.
At first I thought I knew her. Red hair, like my mother’s, sitting the same way. Freckles in the exact places my mother’s sit, as though someone had traced them.
So I filed her where she seemed to belong. A face from the family. Something remembered rather than built.
But she kept coming back, and each time something was slightly off.
The red was not quite my mother’s red. Half a shade away from it. The freckles were in the right places but there were fewer. Everything was close, and nothing was exact. Like looking at a photograph of someone you know and not being able to say what the photographer got wrong.
Then I looked at her eyes.
My mother’s are greenish light brown. Steady. The same colour in every room she has ever stood in.
These were not that.
These went green, then blue, then grey, then honey, and back again. They would not settle. Not a colour so much as an ongoing argument with the light.
I have been looking at those eyes for years across a dinner table. I still could not tell you what colour they are.
They are my wife’s.
And that was the moment the whole thing turned over. Because I had not remembered this child. There was nothing to remember. My mother’s hair and my wife’s eyes have never been in the same face.
That face does not exist yet.
I had built her. Without deciding to, without noticing, the one thing I do not do.
After that I could not leave her alone.
I went back to carry her. To throw her in the air and catch her, which is the only exercise I have done consistently in years. She has an angelic smile and a quiet laugh, the infectious kind, the kind that makes the room laugh before anyone knows what happened. And a calm, gentle way of being in a room without needing the room to notice her.
That one is her mother too. My wife has walked into every gathering of our lives without raising her voice once, and somehow everyone knows she is there.
The girl has it. She inherited the quiet.
I visit her often now. More than I should. She is the best thing my head has ever built and I did not build her on purpose.
But I have not named her. I’m struggling with that. As they fly from time to time.
But I will do my best to not commit the second half of the sin.
Because if I name her, she becomes mine. And if she becomes mine, then one day she might not come, and I will have lost something with a name. Or she might arrive as a he, and then I will have spent years loving someone who never existed while a boy I would die for stands in front of me wondering why his father looked disappointed for half a second.
So no name. No claim. Nothing that can be taken.
Just unsettled eyes and red hair and my mother’s freckles and her mother’s quiet and a laugh I have not heard yet.
She won it, though. Out of every image my head has ever built. Every sunset, every skyline, every scene with the music and the lighting and the perfect camera angle.
She is the best view I have ever had.
And she is the one view I would leave the window for.
One day.
إن شاء الله.
For now let me enjoy what I have, a Slytherin with a little dancing bum.





